An Artist's Lament

A little over six months ago, I bared my soul to you all and told you some really personal stuff about my journey up until that point, after which vowing to myself and this endless internet that I was going to get back into blogging. Obviously that hasn't exactly shaped up the way I'd planned! I have been pretty absent from the internet, and even my social media has taken a serious backseat since I finished my 100 Happy Days challenge. I've given this a lot of thought as to why. I definitely *want* to get back into the blogosphere, and I think social media can be a really awesome outlet, especially for artists to get inspired and connect with one another. So why do I find myself having a really hard time opening up this laptop, putting my fingers to the keys and actually recording my thoughts?



I have a long history of blogging, on and off, and other creative outlets. When I lived abroad, I blogged almost every single day for those eleven months. Even on the days where I didn't have much to report, I'd still sit there 10 minutes before bed and write down the couple of thoughts that were ricocheting off the sides of my skull. That habit was really important to me! Not only was I documenting the greatest experience of my life, but it was also therapeutic to catalog my thoughts, get them out, and see them from another perspective. That was probably one of the most creative stints of my life, as I've mentioned before. I created some really beautiful artwork, wrote surprisingly profound poems, and even found myself choreographing more than ever before or since.

The truth is, for the last six months, I've barely touched any of my creative outlets. Blogging, painting, drawing, writing, even dancing have all been very difficult for me. The question remains, though, why? And *that* in and of itself has taken up a lot of my brain space. It's really hard to be an innately creative person, an artist, and actually have no desire to create and put new things out into the world.



The flip side of creating is that, while you're putting new things out there, they're actually little parts of you. Sometimes it's really difficult to put those really internal, sacred parts of you on display. Sure, people may not realize that's what's happening, but you know in your heart that that sentence you wrote, or that flower you painted, or that photo you posted, it represents a deep part of your soul. That's a really vulnerable feeling! When you're not necessarily in the best state of mind, or not entirely proud of where you are in life, it can become crippling. The only thing you know, creation, is somehow now impossible for you.

I realize that may sound unnecessarily deep or dramatic, even, but it's truly a form of exposure to share your creativity. It's letting people into your life in a way that maybe doesn't always feel good, because it's so raw. Art is raw, in all its forms. I do believe that, because true art comes from inside. Even my swirly little letters, I make them with intention and purpose, so they hold a piece of me. If my calligraphy is that personal, imagine how I must feel about my actual thoughts and feelings!



I find myself in a weird place right now, but I think if I can get myself back on the path of creating, I can process this weird place and all the feels that come along with it. This blog has proven to be such an outlet in the past, and I want it to be that again. Even if it's just full of pretty dresses and frilly letters for now! Please know that everything you see here is a reflection of me. I'm reminding you all, and myself, that it is powerful to show yourself to the world. Let's all help each other be brave in that way. Have the courage to be vulnerable, and embrace your power. It is the best thing you have to offer.

How do you share yourself with others? What have you been hesitant to share lately? I'm here to support you as you support me :)

Playing Sally Bowles

One of the biggest perks of being in theatre is that I get to pretend to be someone else on a regular basis, and it's considered completely acceptable! I get to do things that I would never do in real life without being judged. I get to dress up and do ridiculous makeup. Before our first dress rehearsal, when I was getting into costume for the first time, I had a serious moment when I put my wig on. Being in full makeup, it was a transformation. I was no longer Emma Clark. I was Sally Bowles. Believe it or not, it's incredibly freeing.



Playing Sally Bowles in "Cabaret" was no different. She is a totally different person than myself. For one thing, she's English. She sells her body in a night club, drinks constantly, does drugs, and flits through life, not caring how her actions affects her long-term. She lives by the seat of her pants and consciously pays no attention to the world around her. Needless to say, I'm not much like her.

Or so I thought...



What was so amazing about this role was even though we are clearly so different, I was still able to find things we have in common. The fact is that, even though she's an awful person, she's still human. There were still levels on which I understand her and connect to her. Even though she's brash and unrefined on the outside, she's still vulnerable, feminine and emotional. Finding that common ground between us is really what enabled me to dig so deep into her character. Getting that connected is what ultimately gave me the ability to immerse myself deep enough to feel her pain myself. There were a few nights where it would hit me so hard that I would cry on stage. It was a beautiful, fulfilling feeling to be so utterly connected to her, this person that I thought I would never completely understand.



Playing Sally taught me so much. I grew as a performer and learned that I can push my limits and challenge my boundaries. In fact, I have no boundaries! The experience once again confirmed what I have known for so much of my life: I love being an actress. It is my passion, and I would never be as happy doing anything else.

Not to mention, I absolutely loved wearing that wig ;)