For those of you that don't know, in just a few hours, I will board a plane and travel to Paris, France, to complete a contract as an English Teaching Assistant at a high school right outside of the city! I am so excited to start this new adventure and open a brand new shiny chapter of my life. This is something I've been wanting to do for years, and been looking forward to since I found out about my acceptance six months ago. I can't believe it's here, now, and that I can actually check this dream of living in Paris off my bucket list!
As with any new beginnings, it definitely makes me think back over the past year, and reflect on how I got here. If you've been following along, then you know that about one year ago, I packed up my life and moved to New York City, basically on a whim. The last year didn't exactly go to plan, but if nothing else, it was a year of growth and discovery. Discovery of a new part of the country, of course, but more so discovery of myself.
So here I sit, mulling over the last year. So much happened in that year. A lot of it is a cloudy blur of emotions. I went to NYC thinking I'd already hit rock bottom. Little did I know, rock bottom was actually far below that place. I know that because I found it, in the darkest places I didn't even realize existed. It's a scary thing, facing a previously unknown level of darkness in your mind. While it was insanely difficult, and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, it led to this: a new me, who was actually the real me that had somehow just gotten lost in the shuffle. Trust me, her and I are both very happy she's back!
They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, lemme tell you, I see so crystal-clearly now all the stages that brought me to this point. It's like a mountain. I was at the bottom of the mountain, and I needed to climb up. With this newly attained 20/20 vision, I can see exactly where I grabbed a solid rock, where my footing faltered, and where I flat out fell back to the bottom of the mountain. Even with all those setbacks, though, now I find myself on top of the mountain, looking over at all the crevices and loose rock that hurt me, but also all the ledges and holds where I pulled myself up. It's powerful to look at it and know, I've conquered that damn mountain!
My revelation was uneventful. It wasn't brought on by any crazy happening or near death experience or anything like that. One day, I literally just looked in the mirror and saw myself for what I really am, instead of the warped and twisted vision of myself that I've been living with for the last several years. I saw a strong, confident, intelligent daughter of God who is capable of great things: the ability of both giving and receiving joy and happiness. It was an intense moment, and it changed literally everything. I no longer see myself as worthless or any of the number of horrible names I've been called throughout my adult life. My self worth, my self image, all of it took a 180 degree turn. I'm trying here, but it's indescribable, how empowering that feeling is!
Of course, looking out, I know there are other mountains ahead. But you know, once you climb one mountain, you kind of get a feeling of what you're going to need to look out for, and what you can grab hold of to help you. Not that I know exactly what lies before me (cause who does?), but I know that I am so much stronger and more capable than I once thought.
This is an emotional thing to think about, and an emotional one to write about. But if you're sitting somewhere now, whether it's at an airport, bus stop, school, library, or sitting on your couch at home, and you're reading this thinking, yes I know exactly what she means, I hope you know that you, too, can climb the mountain ahead of you!
You'll never know what exactly you're capable of until you push yourself. Then you'll be surprised with what you can accomplish.
God would never give you more than you can handle.
If you're struggling, please believe that it will get better. If you're sad, please believe that God is walking with you, holding your hand. If you're heart is broken, please believe that it will heal. If you feel like you've lost yourself, please remember and believe that it is impossible, because YOU are always within YOU.
So here I am, cleansed, fresh, and ready to embark on yet another journey. The next 7 months are about even more self discovery. I keep saying it's going to be an exercise in self development, and I truly believe that. While in France, I intend on digging even deeper into this best version of myself. Please join me! Sometimes I'll be talking about this heavy stuff, but I'll also be sharing the fun and excitement of living abroad! And as always, don't hesitate to reach out if this affected you, or you need a friend to lean on. Even if we've never met, we're all doing this whole life thing together, and we have each other's backs :)
Are you climbing a mountain? Have you reached the top of one before? Are you scared to start the climb? Let's lift each other up on our journeys!
P.S. This is a vintage dress that I found at a little resale shop in Savannah. It's become one of my summer favorites!
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