2019 - A Year of Emotional Freedom

And just like that, it's 2019! 2018 was one of those years that was simultaneously so long, but also went by in the blink of an eye. SO much happened in the last year. I moved three times, and one of those times was to Paris. I worked several jobs, met so many people, started some new projects, and went on the most intense emotional roller coaster to date. Sometimes I look back and I can't believe how much stuff happened in a single year... Do you ever feel that way?



So. Resolutions. As is customary, I have spent the last several days pondering my New Years Resolutions and Intentions. (I think I like the word "intentions" better than "resolutions") This year I have decided to do things a little differently. Instead of writing down several lofty goals for myself that seem unachievable, even with all the hope in the world, I am writing down smaller actions that I can implement every day to ultimately help me become a better person throughout the year. And for my couple of really big goals, I've broken them down into manageable bites that will be less overwhelming when I look back at them.

First, I broke my intentions down into categories: healthy habits, spirituality, career, art, writing, organization, and my planner project (I'm designing a planner, if you didn't know!). From there, I wrote down my actions steps. For example, under "healthy habits", I wrote things like "eat out less" and "take supplements daily". Under "art", I wrote "keep Etsy updated" and "use project calendars". Having everything written down this way helps me keep track of things, and lets me see that a lot of what I want to achieve overlaps between categories, like reading more and praying before bed are both habits I want to develop, but they will also help me achieve my "no screen half an hour before bed" goal!

The best part about writing down my intentions this way and seeing it all broken down, it makes me realize that it all serves one ultimate goal: to look back at 2019 with happiness and fulfillment. That is my biggest intention for this year. The last several New Years, I've looked back at the previous year and thought, "WOW that was a rough year". When we ring in 2020, I want to look back and think "WOW that was such a great year!" Even if it didn't always go my way (and let's be real, it won't, cause that's not how life works), I'll at least be able to look back and think "I found happiness. I bettered myself and I grew immensely because of my intentions."

2019 is going to be different for me. This is going to be my Year of Emotional Freedom. I am intentionally letting go of lots of past pain, and embracing everyday joy! I am embracing all the things that make me who I am, even those things that once made me insecure. I am an emotional human, I am passionate about art and pursuing the things that make us happy, contributing to the world, and I care exponentially more about all of those things over making money. No more shame in these traits of mine!

Here is a full list of my 2019 Intentions:

*LOOK BACK WITH HAPPINESS*

*EMOTIONAL FREEDOM*

*HEALTHY HABITS*

- Eat out less

- No screen half an hour before bed

- Take supplements daily

- Develop yoga practice

*SPIRITUALITY*

- Pray before bed

- Wake up to my Bible

- Church at least once a month

- Practice gratitude

*CAREER*

- Focus on getting back on stage

- Read more plays and listen to more soundtracks

- More dance classes

- Restart voice lessons

*ART*

- Keep CranberryInk social media up to date

- Paint at least once per week

- Use project calendars

- Keep Etsy shop updated

*WRITING*

- Journal once per week

- Blog once per week

- Use photography on the blog

- Read more

*ORGANIZATION*

- Project calendars

- Checklists

*PLANNER DESIGN*

- Finish the whole year's design

- Develop marketing strategy

- Product ready to sell by August

- Use social media for self promotion

What are your Resolutions or Intentions for the New Year? Do you feel motivated? What are you embracing or letting go of in 2019?

One Month Lessons

Can you believe it's already been a month since I got here to France?? (It's actually been just over a month, but who's counting?) A lot has happened in that month, and I've learned quite a lot already! Including that public wifi is often unreliable, and therefore it can be difficult to keep up with a blog... My goal for this year was to keep a frequent and thorough account of my experience here on the blog, along with sharing about my creative endeavors and other important (yes, important) musings! Yet, here we are, over a month in, and I can count on one hand how many times I've posted! Well I will tell you all right now, that is about to change, now that I've found a convenient and reliable connection just down the street at good old Pret A Manger. Thank God for international chains, amiright?



Anyway, now for the real meat and potatoes of this post: My One Month Lessons. Here are the things I've learned about France, and life in general, in the last roughly 30 days.

1. 95% of French people smoke. This is not a tried and true statistic, but it is certainly my educated guess. I had forgotten just how common smoking is in France.

2. Believe it or not, there is more puke on the sidewalks and trains here than in NYC. It's disturbing how much I've seen in this short month.

3. It feels VERY strange to brush your teeth and wash your dishes in the same sink. I have one sink in my teeny tiny apartment, so I don't really have a choice but to use it for everything! I gotta say, when you've spent 26 years with different sinks designated for different uses, it's pretty weird to spit your toothpaste into the same sink where you clean your pots and pans.

4. There are dopplegangers of people you know ALL over the world. The amount of people I've seen here who look EXACTLY like people I know back home is astonishing.

5. French people and American people are not on the same level when it comes to personal space. Sometimes I really get the feeling that I am a magnet, and people on the street are pulled towards me, regardless of the amount of empty space on the sidewalk. They don't feel they've gotten close enough until they've shoulder checked me.

6. On that note, I've never been sardined into a subway car like I have been multiple times on the Paris Metro. Things got pretty intimate on the NYC subway, but this is another level of public closeness.

7. For the most part, Parisians are kind, helpful, and understanding. Of course, there are always going to be your stick-in-the-mud waiters and stink-eye-giving shop keepers. But overall, people are willing to give advice, help you figure out what it is you need, and do it with a smile. Even when I stumble over my French, most French people have been patient. (And they appreciate when you are patient and kind and understanding, too!)

8. Americans are INSANELY lucky to have Trader Joe's. You have no idea. Don't take that for granted.

9. If you thought scooters went out of style in the early 2000s, you are mistaken! At least here, everyone uses them for transportation. Some of them are electric, but most of them are the old school push-it-with-your foot sorts. I'm seriously considering getting with the trend. Also, it's somewhat hilarious to see a business man in a three piece suit pushing himself along the sidewalk on a scooter.

10. Americans are, at least by comparison, a very friendly people. As a group, we smile, hug, and laugh a whole heck of a lot, and it gives us away almost immediately.

This is just a sprinkling of the things I've learned. I'll definitely be checking back in with more lessons as time goes. Of course, these are fairly subtle cultural differences. We aren't talking about major lifestyle adjustments. But sometimes it's the little things that add up to be a totally new experience! What sorts of things have you noticed when moving to a new place?

Sunday Wandering

Paris is a city where it doesn't matter what the weather is doing, it's just always beautiful. Even without the blue skies and sunshine, the buildings still stand tall, bearing the rain as they have for centuries. The river still glimmers, the Tower still sparkles. Paris is never gloomy, it's merely different. I felt a strange comfort walking around in the misty cold rain today. It was as if the city was saying, "Don't worry, I've seen it all before, and I will protect you."







The clouds and puddles make the architecture stand out in a different way. It's been a long time since I've wandered around a city with my camera in hand, just taking in the surroundings. Even so, it was only a matter of time before I began seeing it all in a different way, as if the lens of my camera was calling to me to snap this angle or capture that moment. It's the sort of thing I used to feel all the time when I was living in Belgium. That shift in perspective was oh so welcome. It's the feeling of raw creativity and the desire to grab hold of the beauty all around you and translate it onto an image. I love that feeling and I love the art that comes from it.







It's crazy to me how comfortable I feel here in Paris. There are parts of this city that I know so well, despite only having been here a few times before, and not for very long. However, today, walking along the Seine, with Notre Dame right across the river, it felt so familiar and welcoming. It hasn't even been two weeks since I arrived, but it already feels like home here. Sure, there are things that are still daunting, like the constant striving to speak better French and the overwhelming desire to make the Parisians believe I'm not a tourist (THAT struggle is real), but I don't feel at all out of place in this city. I feel that this is where I'm meant to be.







Today's quest was really to find a good Sunday marché, which led me to a couple different areas of the city, and lots of wandering. I never ended up finding the one I was looking for, but I did stumble upon a great one towards the end of the afternoon, and I also finally made it to Shakespeare and Co! You guys. If you ever come to Paris, DO NOT skip this one! I've been in lots of bookstores. If you know me at all, you know how much I love books (and how much of a problem that is for my wallet). This was one of the coolest, quirkiest bookstores I've ever been in. I'd heard about it several times from many different people, but I had no idea what to expect. I definitely didn't think it would be as cozy as it is! Although it's actually quite large, it feels very intimate because 1) the sheer volume of books that surrounds you at all times, and 2) each of the rooms that makes up the shop is actually quite small, especially with all the people in there. There are lots of little nooks all over the place with lumpy old couches where you can recline with a book, and upstairs is their collection of old books, not to be purchased, but perused there in their library. Just about all the books they carry are in English, and everyone there was speaking English first. I can tell you now, I just know I'll be spending a good bit of my time in that shop. Just being there today, I almost cried several times out of sheer overwhelming joy and comfort. It's a haven. You aren't allowed to take pictures in there, which is why I don't have any of those for you guys, but trust me. I can't believe it took me so long to get there, but now I can't wait to go back! I did purchase one book: "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Because I just had to.







The rest of my time was spent wandering down little alleys and side streets, photographing huge beautiful old doors, and spending a few more euros here and there on antique books, piled high by the vendors at the outdoor marché at Place St Michel. My day was wrapped up sitting in my tiny little apartment, wrapped in my comforter with a takeout pizza and a glass of rosé, because it's a rainy Sunday and what else do you do on rainy Sunday evenings?

Where do you like to wander? Have you ever seen Paris in the rain?

My Tiny Corner of Paris

WOW I can't believe I've been here for over a week already! But also, it feels like I've been here for so much longer. I've been meaning to get on here and update everyone, because I've been getting so many questions via Instagram about where I'm staying and what it's like so far! Plus, last time I was living abroad, I found that keeping my blog was a really great way to document the year and keep track of all the ups and downs and twists and turns! It's always fun looking back on those posts to see how I felt at any given time. Of course, I was also 18 years old at the time, so that makes a big difference, too! It's kind of like looking back through your diaries. There are some things you remember so vividly, others you'd forgotten entirely, and still others that you can't believe were such a big deal at the time. Regardless, it's cool to look back though your own eyes, but at a different stage of your life.







ANYWAY. I arrived in Paris last Tuesday, so I've been here about 9 days. I'm living just west of the actual city of Paris in a town called Neuilly-Sur-Seine. Even though I'm not *technically* in Paris proper, I'm so close I might as well be! It only takes me about fifteen minutes to walk to the Arc de Triomphe, which is at the end of the famed Champs Elysées. From there, the entire city is at my fingertips! Every morning, when I walk to the train, I can see the top portion of the Eiffel Tower in the distance. It's absolutely unreal. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating in a dream, like this can't possibly be real life. But it is and I'm here and it's amazing!









So. Neuilly. It's a really lovely town, and pretty much an extension of Paris. The buildings are all that beautiful, old, classically French architecture. You know, the kind you see in those mass produced prints that you can buy at HomeGoods and Target. Except here, it isn't mass produced, and it's real life! This town has some hustle and bustle, but still feels homey and suburban, to an extent. There are kids rolling along on their skateboards or scooters up and down the sidewalks, lots of little shops selling houseplants or antiques or produce, and plenty of cafes and restaurants. One thing is for sure: the people here have money. You can feel it just walking down the streets and looking up at the residential buildings. Then you see the massive, beautiful schools and there's no doubt. Plus, any time I tell anyone where I'm living, the first thing they always say is "Wow, you're so lucky! That's where the rich people live!" It's true, I do feel very lucky to be here!







A lot of people ask me if the program is providing our housing. Unfortunately not, so we are each responsible for finding our own accommodations for the year. Again, I definitely lucked out. I found my housing before even arriving in Paris, which I suppose is pretty uncommon. I have an arrangement with a family here in Neuilly, where I am essentially nannying for them in exchange for my apartment, which is just three floors above theirs! It's a tiny little studio, but it's so charming and has everything I need, along with a stellar view! I recently found out that these small spaces on the top floors of buildings like this were probably maids' quarters way back when the buildings were constructed. Mine does have it's own bathroom and a little kitchen, complete with a small fridge, microwave and hotplate. It's super simple, but I absolutely love it!







The family is just wonderful. The two parents and three children are all so kind and very welcoming! In the afternoons, I go and pick the youngest one up from school, help her with her homework, and accompany her to her theatre and dance classes (a girl after my own heart!). I speak English with them, so that they can practice and improve their speaking skills. Sometimes I have meals with all of them, which is always a treat! While I am so happy to become a sort of part of the family, it's really nice to be able to have my own space, as well. I had host families when I was an exchange student, and at 26 years old, I am so glad to be able to be autonomous while living in Paris!







Sometimes I really can't believe I'm here. I am so happy to be in Paris, living out this crazy dream. I've fallen in love with this city a couple times before, and I have a feeling I'm about to do it all over again. I am so grateful God brought me here and has had my back as I adjust and settle in. He really is so good! Well, I have so much more to tell you all and I will be writing again soon! Have you lived abroad before? How did it feel at first?

She's BACK! And She's Paris-Bound

As I type this, I'm sitting at my gate at the Philadelphia airport, waiting for my flight to move to Paris. There are a ton of thoughts going through my head, but the loudest and most predominant one is WUUUUT IS HAPPENING!!!

For those of you that don't know, in just a few hours, I will board a plane and travel to Paris, France, to complete a contract as an English Teaching Assistant at a high school right outside of the city! I am so excited to start this new adventure and open a brand new shiny chapter of my life. This is something I've been wanting to do for years, and been looking forward to since I found out about my acceptance six months ago. I can't believe it's here, now, and that I can actually check this dream of living in Paris off my bucket list!





As with any new beginnings, it definitely makes me think back over the past year, and reflect on how I got here. If you've been following along, then you know that about one year ago, I packed up my life and moved to New York City, basically on a whim. The last year didn't exactly go to plan, but if nothing else, it was a year of growth and discovery. Discovery of a new part of the country, of course, but more so discovery of myself.





So here I sit, mulling over the last year. So much happened in that year. A lot of it is a cloudy blur of emotions. I went to NYC thinking I'd already hit rock bottom. Little did I know, rock bottom was actually far below that place. I know that because I found it, in the darkest places I didn't even realize existed. It's a scary thing, facing a previously unknown level of darkness in your mind. While it was insanely difficult, and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, it led to this: a new me, who was actually the real me that had somehow just gotten lost in the shuffle. Trust me, her and I are both very happy she's back!





They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, lemme tell you, I see so crystal-clearly now all the stages that brought me to this point. It's like a mountain. I was at the bottom of the mountain, and I needed to climb up. With this newly attained 20/20 vision, I can see exactly where I grabbed a solid rock, where my footing faltered, and where I flat out fell back to the bottom of the mountain. Even with all those setbacks, though, now I find myself on top of the mountain, looking over at all the crevices and loose rock that hurt me, but also all the ledges and holds where I pulled myself up. It's powerful to look at it and know, I've conquered that damn mountain!





My revelation was uneventful. It wasn't brought on by any crazy happening or near death experience or anything like that. One day, I literally just looked in the mirror and saw myself for what I really am, instead of the warped and twisted vision of myself that I've been living with for the last several years. I saw a strong, confident, intelligent daughter of God who is capable of great things: the ability of both giving and receiving joy and happiness. It was an intense moment, and it changed literally everything. I no longer see myself as worthless or any of the number of horrible names I've been called throughout my adult life. My self worth, my self image, all of it took a 180 degree turn. I'm trying here, but it's indescribable, how empowering that feeling is!





Of course, looking out, I know there are other mountains ahead. But you know, once you climb one mountain, you kind of get a feeling of what you're going to need to look out for, and what you can grab hold of to help you. Not that I know exactly what lies before me (cause who does?), but I know that I am so much stronger and more capable than I once thought.

This is an emotional thing to think about, and an emotional one to write about. But if you're sitting somewhere now, whether it's at an airport, bus stop, school, library, or sitting on your couch at home, and you're reading this thinking, yes I know exactly what she means, I hope you know that you, too, can climb the mountain ahead of you!

You'll never know what exactly you're capable of until you push yourself. Then you'll be surprised with what you can accomplish.

God would never give you more than you can handle.





If you're struggling, please believe that it will get better. If you're sad, please believe that God is walking with you, holding your hand. If you're heart is broken, please believe that it will heal. If you feel like you've lost yourself, please remember and believe that it is impossible, because YOU are always within YOU.

So here I am, cleansed, fresh, and ready to embark on yet another journey. The next 7 months are about even more self discovery. I keep saying it's going to be an exercise in self development, and I truly believe that. While in France, I intend on digging even deeper into this best version of myself. Please join me! Sometimes I'll be talking about this heavy stuff, but I'll also be sharing the fun and excitement of living abroad! And as always, don't hesitate to reach out if this affected you, or you need a friend to lean on. Even if we've never met, we're all doing this whole life thing together, and we have each other's backs :)

Are you climbing a mountain? Have you reached the top of one before? Are you scared to start the climb? Let's lift each other up on our journeys!





P.S. This is a vintage dress that I found at a little resale shop in Savannah. It's become one of my summer favorites!

All My Thoughts on Moving to France

I'm still kind of in shock! I cannot believe that in just about six short months, I will picking up to move, yet again. Except this time, I'm moving to France... WUT.



Basically this is how this happened:

Cleveland State University, fall semester 2011. I had just started my college experience. Having just come back from my year abroad in Belgium, I had declared a Theatre major and a French minor. Makes sense, right? Well, upon learning about my exchange experience, my French professors got a jump on recruiting me for the major. One of the major selling points was this awesome program in France where Americans go abroad to help teach English. Of course this sounded like something right up my alley. They impressed on my just how competitive it was, and if I was serious about pursuing something like that, it would be in my best interest to pick up the double major. Well, before I knew it, I had done exactly that. I had a Theatre and French double major. (And as if that wasn't enough, I also went ahead and picked up a Dance minor. But that's besides the point.)

Throughout my entire college career, this Teaching Assistant Program in France (TAPIF) was lingering in the back of my head. Post graduation, I moved to Florida and my priorities shifted. I knew I still wanted to go after this dream, and I knew I was dying to live in France, but it just wasn't the right time. Well, once I made the decision to leave Florida, I figured it was now or never. So, January 2018, I submitted all my application materials. A week ago, I got that long awaited email, congratulating me on my acceptance!



I have a LOT of feelings wrapped around this news. They are overwhelmingly positive, if not a little anxiety-provoking in some cases. My first and most prominent reaction is genuine relief. There have been a lot of decisions that I've been holding off on making, because they relied heavily on the outcome of this application.

The biggest one has definitely been my living situation. For those of you who don't know, in January I moved out of Manhattan to NJ for financial reasons. While I'm extremely grateful for the blessing of having this option available to me, it was difficult and disheartening leaving NYC after only three months (though I still commute into the city several times per week). Although I've been wanting to move back into Manhattan, I've also known that I won't if I get this program. So there has been this back and forth and back and forth in my brain on looking for a place, which is exhausting. It is now a huge weight off my shoulders knowing that I have a definitive answer for where I'll be living for the next six months.

I'm also struggling a little bit with the fact that I'll be leaving New York so soon after arriving... New York has been huge for me. Simply being here means so much, and is a big testament to my faith. New York is a symbol of all the difficulties of the last year and overcoming them. It's what I've been thinking about since I was a little 11-year-old who said she wanted to be an actress. It's been such a long time coming, and it took so much for me to finally get here. As amazing as this new opportunity is, it now feels sort of like I'm abandoning this big huge dream that I've talked about for so long and worked so hard for. Part of me feels guilty about that; like I'm being ungrateful for what I've been given.

Of course, my rational brain knows how silly that is. I have always lived my life, and intend to continue living, by taking hold of the opportunities that come, whenever that may be. What would really be ungrateful would be to turn this down, just for the sake of doing what I think others expect of me and my dedication to my career. I'm not selling out, and I'm not giving up on New York. I'm taking what God is offering me in this moment. NYC will always be here, but this opportunity may not be offered to me again. I have no idea what is going to happen after my program (and I think it's pretty useless to squash the joy of this news by trying, in vain, to figure that out right now), but I know that the option will always remain for me to come back here.



Speaking of my career... This is really a conversation for a whole other post, but, the older I get, the more I contemplate the idea of a "career" and if that's actually something that is important to me. I go back and forth, but I really think that THIS is what's more important: experiencing life and going where the wind takes me, even if that means leading a fairly nomadic life without a "career" guiding it. This decision to go live in France may very well mean that I take a hiatus from training/performing. Part of me is scared that I'll never return to it. If we're being totally real, though, I know that's impossible. I'm drawn to art and culture more than anything else and I don't think I could stay away from it if I tried. I definitely want to continue dancing while I'm there, and who knows what other opportunities will present themselves! Additionally, I've always said that if/when I get the TAPIF, that's when I'll start looking at grad schools, and seriously consider the options in the UK. So there's that!

I really believe that I am being sent to France right now for a reason. And not just for me. I feel like I am about to do some really important work, and I only hope that I'll be able to make a positive impact on the students. I hope that I can impart more knowledge than just English grammar; I hope that I'll be able to share what I've learned about culture and embracing that, about learning about world and exploring what exists beyond your own backyard, and about being grateful for the twists and turns in your life, even when it seems really dark... Not to get super heavy, but I really hope I can be a light for a kid who really needs it.

My light has been out for a while. It flickered back on when I moved to New York and then was quickly extinguished again in the New Year. It hasn't been the easiest transition, or really the easiest year, since leaving Florida. I felt very close to giving up before I got that email. I've been in a creative slump, I've been lonely, and I've been generally discouraged (the job hunt was getting real). Receiving that email, it was truly like a beacon. It's given me something to work towards, something to look forward to, and something to genuinely be excited about! God knew exactly what I needed, and while I thought He had abandoned me, He was just working to create something seriously awesome. What a huge gift and glorious blessing.



I just feel... lighter. I feel good! I haven't felt this motivated or excited about something in a really long time. I feel like the fire inside me is being rekindled and I am on the brink of a period of true fruitfulness. I knew that 2018 would be the year of my Personal Renaissance, I just didn't know that it would look like this!

As far as the things I know... I know that I will be in France for the 2018-19 school year, and I'll be teaching English at a secondary level school (middle to high school ages). I have been assigned to the region of Versailles, which is right outside of PARIS. *Dreams do come true!* I do not know yet exactly which school, nor do I know what my housing situation will be. My departure date has yet to be determined, as well, but I anticipate leaving sometime in September/October.

I am seriously so excited for this next chapter! I love Paris and I love France and I love travel and I can't wait to get back in that place of immersion where you just take it one day at a time and soak it all up. I know I've spoken a lot here about the more serious thoughts I'm having about this TAPIF, but there are so many more light and bouncy ones, too! I'm already making my Paris/France/Europe bucket list for all the things I want to make sure I see and explore while I'm there. I'm sure I'll have lots of musings as the fall approaches, so don't be surprised if it becomes a hot topic around here! To all of you who have reached out with your kind words of congratulations and support, a huge thank you! My joy and gratitude are absolutely overflowing. I better start brushing up on my French!