She's BACK! And She's Paris-Bound

As I type this, I'm sitting at my gate at the Philadelphia airport, waiting for my flight to move to Paris. There are a ton of thoughts going through my head, but the loudest and most predominant one is WUUUUT IS HAPPENING!!!

For those of you that don't know, in just a few hours, I will board a plane and travel to Paris, France, to complete a contract as an English Teaching Assistant at a high school right outside of the city! I am so excited to start this new adventure and open a brand new shiny chapter of my life. This is something I've been wanting to do for years, and been looking forward to since I found out about my acceptance six months ago. I can't believe it's here, now, and that I can actually check this dream of living in Paris off my bucket list!





As with any new beginnings, it definitely makes me think back over the past year, and reflect on how I got here. If you've been following along, then you know that about one year ago, I packed up my life and moved to New York City, basically on a whim. The last year didn't exactly go to plan, but if nothing else, it was a year of growth and discovery. Discovery of a new part of the country, of course, but more so discovery of myself.





So here I sit, mulling over the last year. So much happened in that year. A lot of it is a cloudy blur of emotions. I went to NYC thinking I'd already hit rock bottom. Little did I know, rock bottom was actually far below that place. I know that because I found it, in the darkest places I didn't even realize existed. It's a scary thing, facing a previously unknown level of darkness in your mind. While it was insanely difficult, and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, it led to this: a new me, who was actually the real me that had somehow just gotten lost in the shuffle. Trust me, her and I are both very happy she's back!





They say hindsight is 20/20. Well, lemme tell you, I see so crystal-clearly now all the stages that brought me to this point. It's like a mountain. I was at the bottom of the mountain, and I needed to climb up. With this newly attained 20/20 vision, I can see exactly where I grabbed a solid rock, where my footing faltered, and where I flat out fell back to the bottom of the mountain. Even with all those setbacks, though, now I find myself on top of the mountain, looking over at all the crevices and loose rock that hurt me, but also all the ledges and holds where I pulled myself up. It's powerful to look at it and know, I've conquered that damn mountain!





My revelation was uneventful. It wasn't brought on by any crazy happening or near death experience or anything like that. One day, I literally just looked in the mirror and saw myself for what I really am, instead of the warped and twisted vision of myself that I've been living with for the last several years. I saw a strong, confident, intelligent daughter of God who is capable of great things: the ability of both giving and receiving joy and happiness. It was an intense moment, and it changed literally everything. I no longer see myself as worthless or any of the number of horrible names I've been called throughout my adult life. My self worth, my self image, all of it took a 180 degree turn. I'm trying here, but it's indescribable, how empowering that feeling is!





Of course, looking out, I know there are other mountains ahead. But you know, once you climb one mountain, you kind of get a feeling of what you're going to need to look out for, and what you can grab hold of to help you. Not that I know exactly what lies before me (cause who does?), but I know that I am so much stronger and more capable than I once thought.

This is an emotional thing to think about, and an emotional one to write about. But if you're sitting somewhere now, whether it's at an airport, bus stop, school, library, or sitting on your couch at home, and you're reading this thinking, yes I know exactly what she means, I hope you know that you, too, can climb the mountain ahead of you!

You'll never know what exactly you're capable of until you push yourself. Then you'll be surprised with what you can accomplish.

God would never give you more than you can handle.





If you're struggling, please believe that it will get better. If you're sad, please believe that God is walking with you, holding your hand. If you're heart is broken, please believe that it will heal. If you feel like you've lost yourself, please remember and believe that it is impossible, because YOU are always within YOU.

So here I am, cleansed, fresh, and ready to embark on yet another journey. The next 7 months are about even more self discovery. I keep saying it's going to be an exercise in self development, and I truly believe that. While in France, I intend on digging even deeper into this best version of myself. Please join me! Sometimes I'll be talking about this heavy stuff, but I'll also be sharing the fun and excitement of living abroad! And as always, don't hesitate to reach out if this affected you, or you need a friend to lean on. Even if we've never met, we're all doing this whole life thing together, and we have each other's backs :)

Are you climbing a mountain? Have you reached the top of one before? Are you scared to start the climb? Let's lift each other up on our journeys!





P.S. This is a vintage dress that I found at a little resale shop in Savannah. It's become one of my summer favorites!

The Road to New York City

As I close my 100-day mark in NYC, it occurs to me that not a lot of people know how I managed to finally make this move to the Big Apple! The reason I want to tell this story is because it is a true testament to trust and faith that things will work out the way they're supposed to; that beautiful things can happen, even in the midst of hopelessness.



May 2017. I had been trying to move to New York City for the better part of a year. I was living in Orlando and my situation was rocky. I was in the midst of a really complicated break up, I was artistically dry, and I knew I needed a change. Staying in Orlando just didn't make sense anymore. My heart was saying "New York, New York!", but it was clear that it wasn't the time. There were plans made over and over again, only to be repeatedly shot down. It felt like there were road blocks in every direction. So, I made the only decision that seemed to be clear of obstacles: I could move home.

That's how I ended up back in Cleveland, living with my parents, working with my dad, and spending most nights watching Frasier reruns. It was a really lonely summer. I realized that I couldn't really just slip back into my cozy little Cleveland life after being gone for two years. My friends were engaged, married, expecting, buying houses, moving away, starting careers, and I was... not. My relationship had gone down in flames, I had no direction, my best friends were a thousand miles away, home life was strained, I was sick all the time, I was totally lost. Thankfully I had an artistic opportunity at Cleveland Public Theatre, thanks to one of my CSU profs. You better believe I held onto that with everything I had, because other than that glimmer of light, I was entirely depressed.

The scariest part of about all of this for me was that I almost entirely lost my faith. I felt abandoned, particularly by God. I couldn't wrap my brain around why He would allow me to go through this sort of depression. Why was the rug constantly being pulled out from under me? Why had so many people let me down? Why was He saying no to my ambitions? Why was I sick every night? Why was my relationship over? All these questions cycled through my head 24/7. Even in my sleep, I would dream about these questions. It was exhausting. I was so frustrated with God. I was ANGRY at Him. Even sitting through church was impossible. Shout out to the stranger who approached me in the prayer garden outside St. Matthias after I had fled the sanctuary in a full blown panic attack after the opening hymn. I had been sitting there in front of the statue of Mary for probably 45 minutes, sobbing, when a man came up to me, handed me a worn card of St. Anne, and said something to the effect of, "I don't know what's going on, but remember it too will pass." I still keep that baseball type card in my wallet.



Anyway, I got some help. I saw a spiritual director and a therapist. I went on a retreat with my mom. I tried to help myself out of this hole that just seemed to be getting deeper. There were moments of serious clarity and happiness in this! At one point, I had made plans to hike a 500 mile pilgrimage across northern Spain (the Camino de Santiago, if you've heard of it). As luck would have it, every one of these moments was met with an equally powerful moment of deflation. That pilgrimage? It was canceled because of my health issues. Meanwhile, I had given up on New York. As much as I wanted to go, I concluded that it just wasn't in the cards for me. So I started looking for a full time job and an apartment in Cleveland. I found the perfect apartment and two different job prospects that seemed like sure things. I thought I was finally getting somewhere! They all fell through at the last second.

That was rock bottom. I remember standing in my parents' kitchen, home alone, crying, looking up to the ceiling, throwing my hands up in defeat and yelling "it's in your hands now God! I'm giving all of this to you because I can't handle it anymore!"

It had all culminated in that moment: the depression, the panic attacks, the illness, the loneliness, the hurt, the loss, the jobs, the apartment, the breakup, the defeat, the road blocks, all of it. I threw it all in God's lap because I was collapsing under the weight and He was the only one who could take it. You know how people talk about "giving it up to God" and "a weight off your shoulders" and all the other sayings like that? I always understood them in theory but had never really experienced that sensation. That is, until that moment. For the first time all summer, I felt at peace.



Just a couple days after that, I went to New Jersey to visit my best friend, Kasey. I spent a week there, hanging out, shopping, enjoying some time away from Cleveland. It's only a short 45 minutes to NYC from her town, so I went into the city a few days and saw some friends. Then, PLOT TWIST, the craziest thing happened! I saw on Facebook that one of my old friends from Cleveland, who I hadn't seen in years, was leaving New York to go back home and was looking for people to fill her position at Kleinfeld (yes, of Say Yes to the Dress). On a whim, I sent my resume through. Within three days I had a job offer! Nora had also told me that she needed to sublet her room in her apartment in Manhattan and asked if I was interested. Needless to say, I went back to Cleveland and told my parents I was moving to New York City!

I was home for three days. I packed up everything I could fit in two suitcases, got a few boxes ready to be shipped out to me, booked a flight, and made the move! It was amazing insanity. I still can't believe it happened that way.

I don't tell this story looking for sympathy or pity. I tell it because I KNOW there are others out there suffering with similar things. I know we've all experienced at least one of these feelings before. I'm here to tell you that THINGS. WORK. OUT. The key is trust. It wasn't until I fully trusted God, and put every ounce of strength I had into doing so, that the door finally opened. All the rejection was because something bigger and better, something that I actually WANTED was ready for me. I just needed to be ready for it. I wouldn't be ready until I let go of all that weight. And now, here I am, 100 days into my Big City adventure, and I am beyond grateful for the outcome of that summer. I suffered, but out of the suffering came something truly amazing. I am living out my dream! I am healthy, I am motivated, and I am finding my place. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with some stuff. Some days are still hard. But I keep trying to remember what it felt like to give it up to the Lord. As they say, "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).